


John Knows It's a Suicide Mission

by wellthengameover



Series: Sherlock Meta [16]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Analysis, Character Analysis, Episode: s03e03 His Last Vow, Meta, Other, Sherlock Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:57:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5252492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wellthengameover/pseuds/wellthengameover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John does know it’s a suicide mission - he at least knows it’s really, really bad and that he’s never going to see Sherlock again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Knows It's a Suicide Mission

John does know it’s a suicide mission - he at least knows it’s really, really bad and that he’s never going to see Sherlock again. It’s easy to miss this… or maybe people just _want_ to miss it:

He’s right there:

>   
> 
> 
> SHERLOCK: Since this is likely to be …
> 
> … the last conversation I’ll have with John Watson …
> 
>   
> 

>   
> 

John’s eyes flick to them; then he looks away and down and takes a shaky breath (you can hear it in the video). There’s no reason for the camera to cut to John’s face _except_ to tell the audience that he heard. He knows. He just can’t let himself believe it. He knows because he asks Sherlock about itin a moment… but he lets Sherlock tell him it’s nothing, probably because he thinks it’s kinder than making Sherlock say it out-loud:

>   
> 
> 
> SHERLOCK: Who knows?
> 
>   
> 

> He knows. _He looks away when Sherlock says that._ You can see him trying not to cry in the first picture. But what’s he supposed to say? “I love you, I love you, don’t leave me  _again_ ; let me come with you?” He doesn’t think Sherlock wants to hear that.  _Especially_ when Sherlock makes - what John thinks is - a stupid, throw-away joke about naming his daughter after him.

People always say John would’ve said something big if he knew Sherlock was going to die, but a) again, _what_ exactly is he supposed to say that he thinks Sherlock wants to hear, and b) this is the man who couldn’t tell Sherlock’s gravestone that he loves him. If he tells Sherlock how much he cares about him, it’ll be like accepting that Sherlock’s going to die.

They both know where Sherlock’s going, they both know the other one knows, and they both want to finally say it, but they both think the other one doesn’t want to hear it. Sherlock  _tries_ to say it, even, but John can’t hear it.

John’s been looking away, Sherlock starts to say “John… there’s something…” and John whips his head around so fast it’s surreal:

There are only so many things that can follow the beginning of that sentence. John is _so_ focused on Sherlock at this moment. He’s like ”Jesus, Jesus, he can’t mean…? Poker face, Watson.” And then Sherlock ends with “Sherlock’s actually a girl’s name.” And John thinks the whole thing is just a joke, his feelings are just a joke; he just got his hopes up - probably for the first time since Irene - and what he just heard was “LOL PSYCH!” And what’s worse: feelings  _in general_ are a joke. John’s thinking: “Sherlock had to know how the beginning of that sentence sounded and he thought it’d be  _funny_ to _pretend_ like he could be in love. ‘Course he did.”  _Of course_ John’s a little snappy about the name. And just like any other time things start to get really emotional, one of them backs it off as a joke, like John does here. “If I make it a joke, he can’t really be going to die, right??”

**Author's Note:**

> Transcribed from [my meta blog on tumblr](http://wellthengameover.tumblr.com/my-sherlock-meta). Much more there.


End file.
